brief is the new short

There is not much explanation necessary for this part of my blog. The following stories will give you a glimps of a situation out of someones life. It is up to you to set the context for those circumstances and to make out the meaning the particular story holds for you.

I had never particularly like them, those grand evening gatherings, the new magistrate used to hold. Tarted up in the best ball gowns people walked up to those lavish events, hypocritically talking to other they would never exchange a word with. Everybody raised their glasses despite wishing the pestilence on each other. All this affectation disgusted me, it nauseated me how people exchanged rumours on the quiet and feasted on the misfortune of their neighbours. The from wine reddened cheeks, the glassy eyes, at the point of the fan and the mouths, warped to devilish grins. A repulsive, almost brutish lust to amuse themselves at other people's expense. Here, you had the feeling to live amongst wolves. The light of the far too large chandelier now seemed flamboyant and unnatural. I was not alone, however, I felt incredibly lonely amongst all those people. Lost in between the dozens, grown lonely in company. During the few months which I had lived in Belton, I never had the feeling that I had come closer to anyone or met someone who had an honest interest in the other person. Hypocrisy and pretended sympathy, yes, that I had come across on plenty occasions. Could I really have been that deluded? I do not know why I again went into rapture to join one of those gatherings again. Was it out of frustration, a sense of duty or simply the wish of belonging? The answer to this question I would probably not find any time soon, that I was very clear about. However, it was also clear, that I would not any longer waste my time, joining these gatherings. Noiselessly, I set aside my glass on the long marble table and got up. Quickly, I had reached the other side of the room without anybody holding me back or even noticing me.For one moment, I paused, turned around one more time and glanced back through the room. I was indeed surprised as really not a single glance seemed to have followed me. I could not precisely say what I had expected, maybe that the all-around murmur would suddenly stop, heads turned toward me and the glassy eyes exchanges bewildered glances? However, nobody seemed to have noticed me, nobody got ready to do or say anything. All this only confirmed me in my thinking and doing. I could not see him, as I stepped outside, it took me a short moment until my eyes had accustomed themselves with the darkness. Having stopped at the stairhead, framed by torches leading down to the courtyard, I threw back my head.With both hands, I ruffled through my hair and took a deep breath to give vent to my anger. Inside my head, everything was swirling around, one thought chased the other. The air felt as if I was able to cut it, it smelled of rain. The sky was pitch black, not a single star was visible, instead, the light coming from the windows of Belton House and the blazing fire from the torches were reflected in the lake. Light gusts of wind ripples the surface just as the paper of books that had come into contact with water. I leaned against the balustrade of the veranda and rested my arms on it. A faint laugh from the shadow next to the pillar made me jump and I stepped back automatically. 'Are you enjoying yourself?', I heard an amused male voice. 'A gathering of important, intelligent and highly communicative human beings, don't you think so?'. It sounded rather like a statement than a question. The sentence sprayed with irony, I could almost see the sparks fly in the darkness. And with that, a young man stepped out of the blackness of the shadow and made some steps towards me. He was grown tall, had jet black hair orderly combed back and wore a dark smoking, as it was usual expected at those kind of events.Never before had I seen him on one of those hated meetings and he did not strike me as the kind of person who would voluntarily gad about those gatherings. It was impossible to pinpoint exactly, where this notion came from, however, he was surrounded by something I was unable to define. He stopped before I could make out further details of his face and stayed a few feet from me. 'Indeed, I amused myself exceedingly, how could I possibly not, in such exquisite and distinguished company.', I responded with the same irony, which was answered with a further faint laugh. 'What are you doing here, when all those people are so repulsive to you, if I may ask?, he gave back, this time without any ironic overtones. 'Where do you take the assumption from that I am abhorred by those people? You do not even know me.' 'That is of course true, however, I know those people in there and I know a fugitive when one crosses my path. Believe me, I know how it feels and what is going on in your head.' he replied cockily. The conversation seemed to turn into a very interesting direction and I decided to go along and find out where it might lead. 'Then do enlighten me and explain, what is going on in my head at this moment, as you seem to be knowing more than I do.' I challenged him. A brief silence followed, stretching out between us like ice and I already thought, the young man would remain silence, as he suddenly started talking. 'A room, full of people. Spurious conversations on the quiet over people with which they just talked about somebody else in an equal fashion. It smells of expensive wine and cheap perfume, the air feels as if one could cut it with a knife. Oneself does not know, whether one if just the same, simply based on the fact of being amongst them and riding along. Torn between disgust and fascination. One is captured, cannot escape, just as a moth drawn by the shine of the flame only to be burned up to ashes by the deadly blaze.', the words came slowly and thought through, he seemed to have weighted every syllable and set with the precision of a tightrope walker. I allowed his words to stand by themselves, there was no need for an answer. Silently we had agreed, also he did not seem to expect a reply. 'What is it precisely that troubles you so?', he now asked with an interested seriousness which I was not accustomed to. It felt as if he was honestly interested in finding out why I took no pleasure in those nightly gatherings.'You know, that is exactly the question that I have been asking myself too, however, I could not find an answer to it.', I gave back and gazed over the ruffled surface of the lake that so metaphorically stood for my state of mind.The shadows and the surrounding darkness as well as the silence that united us strangers, protected us and suddenly I felt strong enough to say what I really thought. 'Do you truly want to know this or is this going to be one of those very conversations in which we find out the others' weaknesses and then sell it to one of our neighbours?' The accusation was not justified, but the anger had piled up just as the high water behind a reservoir dam that had now broken. 'I do not understand why people talk hypocritically and then secretly pounce on that person like a starved hyena. Yes, I do believe it is the dishonesty that is so disgusting. Permanently you have the feeling as if spied upon, always thinking about whom to trust with which detail. It is a daily struggle against the vortex which sooner or later will drag you down.', it blustered out. A nagging silence followed, even the wind seemed to have paused for a moment. As I could not endure it any longer, I turned around and stared at him questioningly, somehow I expected a reply. He had lowered his head like a thrashed dog, however, kept quiet. His face still was veiled in darkness so that I could not recognise anything. I exhaled audibly and turned back to the reflections on the water. 'Are you in the library every day?', the question hit me unprepared. 'Pardon me? How...?', I needed a moment to follow the mental leap. Looking at my conversational partner from the side, his gaze remained on the lake. 'You smell of words, that is all.', came the explanation, silently but clearly. Not knowing what to respond, I kept staring at him, uncomprehendingly. 'Enviable.', the word came as a whisper and got caught in the air between the two of us until it was carried away by a breeze. 'Really, I do not know...', further I did not get, as the young man suddenly turned around to me and came two quick steps towards me, so that I could finally see his face. I was shaken. The eyes stood out jet black against his face. The pupils seemed omnipresent, so that no white was visible. His expression sensed everything about me at once, I felt helpless, almost naked. An all-piercing gaze, the gaze of a blind man.

Autumn was on its way, it had been for several days already. The leaves were steadily turning into all imaginable shades of yellow, golden and orange, the vine tendrils across the street were shining in a splendid bright red. The light of the sun had changed from its summery warmth to a colder white and was blinding the eyes as soon as you stepped outdoors. It was this wonderful atmosphere, that taste of the coming winter days and the still lively memory of the bygone summer. The air was loaded with the wonderful scent of what had happened the past months and what was yet to occur. I waited until the sun had set and the decrescent moon started his journey across the nightly sky, put on my boots and warm coat and set off to one of the regular evening walks. It was cold outside, my breath painted small white clouds into the dark, before disappearing into space. The street was quiet in comparison to the usual daily buzz of cars, bicycles and pedestrians roaming around. I started walking towards the more busy, in the direction of the small shops, restaurants and retailers that had closed their doors for the night. For just a couple of minutes, I could persuade myself to stay in the artificial lights until it was time to cross the street and disappear into the darkness of a calm side street. No shops, no cars, pure silence and solely the odd cyclist rushing by on his way home. The windows of the houses to both sides were lit, life going on behind the curtainless frames. Even though I found it a bit sneaky to look into the rooms when passing by, I simply loved to imagine the cosy atmosphere and to see the innocent privacy in the evening setting. Here a young couple being snug on the sofa together in front of the television, there an elderly lady chopping onions in the kitchen or a father with his small son in his arms, warming some milk before bedtime. It was the usual route, across the bridge, the water glistening in the moonlight, alongside the canal with the house boats. Here also, the people where sitting in their humble abodes, enjoying the warmth of their homes. An atmosphere of peace and happiness. A last time I turned left into the street leading to my own home. The leaves were rustling underneath my boots, making this familiar sound I had always liked to hear ever since I was a child, bringing up memories of a time long past. There was one more very special window I had to walk past at almost the end of my walk. It was slightly hidden behind some overgrown bushes and having sunk into my thoughts of childhood memories, I was already there. The old man was sitting in his rocking chair as usual, as every evening. As he saw me, his face brightened up to a smile and leaning forward to see better, he raised his hand to wave at me, as every evening. I paused for a split moment and waved back at him, as every evening.

'Tell me.' His voice startled me and jolted me out of my thoughts. Blankly and absentmindedly I looked at him. 'What is it? I do know that something has been occupying your thoughts for days now.' was the explanation. Not knowing what to answer, I slowly shook my head and turned away my gaze. He got up and walked over to the open door, that he was now standing with his back towards me. I knew exactly that he would not take my reaction as an answer and that my head shake would only upset him even more. Hands in the pockets of his suit, he stared out over the water that was moving under a light breeze. The sun had just gone down and plunged the surroundings into blue and green shades. Only on the horizon, there was a small yellow stripe still visible.The minutes of silence between us seemed to extent to a small eternity until I eventually heard him take a deep breath.'You have changed during the last few weeks.' My heart missed a beat, as I did not know what would follow next. He turned around so that I could see his profile, however, without being able to look at me - just as if he was expecting an answer. Somehow I found myself unable to even the slightest reaction whatsoever. He sight and turned away from me again. I was quite conscious about the fact that my behaviour would outrage him and that I was skating on very thin ice.'You are merely talking, withdraw at all times and I have got the feeling that I cannot get close to you any more.' It took a short moment, then he added: 'I am scared for you!'My thoughts were racing and I wished the ground would open up and swallow me right there. More he would not say, it was my turn now.Helpless I got up from the edge of the bed and did not know what to say in order not to hurt him even more and to exacerbate the situation.His words had cut into my soul like blades. I had not realised that my behaviour had changed and all the more not in such a dramatic way as he had just described.However, I was quite clear about the fact that something had changed for me lately. Still, I could not manifest what the precise reason for this change was and what had triggered it. It seemed impossible to pinpoint these underlying thoughts which I was unable to put into words. The silence between the two of us spread all through the small room. Embraced everything surrounding and swallowed us completely. I had to be careful not to miss the right moment which would make it impossible for us to look into each others eyes without regret. Slowly I crossed the room and from behind put my arms around his middle. The tension was immense, every single muscle in his body was tense – the best manifestation of his inner anxiety.He did not stir under my touch as I had hoped. I rested my cheek against his back and inhaled the familiar scent that surrounded my like a protective shield. 'Give me some time', more I could not say. A scornful snort followed this opening, the tension increased and he let his head drop to his chest. I could almost smell the disappointment. With a hitch he released my arms and turned around. Before I realised what was happening, he grabbed my shoulders, just like a small child that had done something wrong. 'I thought you trusted me!', it sounded like a question, but I knew that it was not and it touched me to the quick that he believed I did not trust him. He let go of my shoulders, looked at me one last time in disappointment and left the room. The breeze that was coming in through the open door caressed my face, burning like fire on my skin. Like a caned dog I was standing in front of the open door and looked out over the water. Trust, yes, that had always been my problem. To confide myself to someone had been an insurmountable obstacle for me of which I did not know how to overcome it. One thing however, I knew far too well: that I hurt everybody round me and also that it would not break down the wall that I had conveniently built around myself. On the contrary, should I carry on, those people would turn their backs on me that were most important to me. The walls of the small room suddenly seemed to close in on me, I had to feeling of being smothered. I took off my shoes and left the house through the patio door. Bare-footed I strolled down the small hill towards the beach. The sand was still warm and had stored the power of the sun. It did not take long and I reached the surge of the waves, the cooling water was playing around my feel. The moon was now tossing her pallid light over the black sea and glittered in the crests of the waves. The gentle murmur had a calming sensation on me, the air was full of salt and memories.